What does it all MEAN?

Not sure what this is, or why it even exists. I just know that it has to be one of the 171 signs of the impending apocalypse, right behind identical triplets. (And how can they even tell; aren't all babies wrinkly, squirmy messes at first?)



I guess, if we're honest with ourselves, we all have the potential to get caught up in the craziness of "cash money happy fun" prizes awarded by a Japanese game show.

Fish poop all the time. Their waste is totally getting in her eyes, mouth, nose, ears and pores. It's in her hair, too. Ugh. That number of fish plus the small amount of water added to the small volume of the bag = GROSS.

I just hope she won something useful, like these.

Someone was obviously hit hard with the crazy stick

Now I know that Craigslist is not widely known for being the favorite Web site of sane, normal people everywhere. There are freaks, lots of them, trying to do everything from sell an "awesome" guitar and find people to test new inventions on to meeting their first-sight love. I’d just never quite attracted the attention of the sanity-challenged before now.

My perfectly average "for sale" ad...

The Ultimate Moving Sale Continues: Everything MUST Go! CHEAP!

I sold a lot on Saturday, but there is still some GREAT stuff left! Prices are $5 and up. (NO check or charge – Cash Only.)

Call my cell at ------- or email me with questions you may have and for the address. I’m moving next Tuesday, so this stuff needs to be gone by then!

Items left for sale:

• Two lamps and a portable CD/Cassette stereo – $5, $5 and $15 (respectively)
• Entertainment Center – $25!
• Computer Cabinet – $90
• TV Stand – $20
  (Bonus: The TV has to go also. It’s a color, 19” Philips – $20)
• Couch – $50
  

The perfectly nutty response...

from -----striker@mail.com
to salexxxxxx@craigslist.org,
date Fri, Jan 18, 2008 at 4:29 PM
subject The Ultimate Moving Sale Continues: Everything MUST Go! CHEAP!
mailed-by craigslist.org

I am looking for :

1) gun safe

2) kayak

3) stainless BBQ grill (propane)

4) stained glass panels

5) any unwanted firearms, ammo, or shooting gear (metal targets, reloading equipment, etc.) please send photo, price and any other information that may be helpful

thank you,
Allen

Um, no, but thanks for playing "Who Wants to Be a Crazy Person."

I will not be replying to you, Allen, because the more contact I have with you, the more likely it is that I’ll end up on the hit list that’s written in finger paint on butcher paper and pasted to your wall with Watermelon Bubble-Yum, you freaking wacko.

What part of the "items left for sale" list was unclear? The part about there Not Being Any FIREARMS listed? Or maybe he just responds to every ad selling ANYTHING with this nonsense.

If that's the case, soon we’ll start to see ads like this popping up everywhere:

“I’m still trying to sell my dead husband’s Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. It’s in great condition! Please contact me for details.
PS No, I still don’t have any firearms for sale so please stop asking, Allen!”

I guess the poor guy's never heard of a gun show? I guess it's lucky for us that he's less than smart and/or really cheap!

Literally literary ignorance

The retail company Woolworths has recently withdrawn their "Lolita" furniture line from store shelves. The line, which includes bedroom furniture intended for little girls, was nixed due to many complaints about the rather inappropriate name.

The person who thought this was a good idea is seriously disturbed. They've clearly never read the novel. Or even better, were they aware of what they were doing and thought it was clever or tongue in cheek? "It's petit and alluring furniture, why not name it after someone who was known to be petit and alluring? Brilliant!"

That's like brand name of artificial legs called Captain Ahab. They could go a step further and make bedspreads emblazoned with scarlet letters. How about starting with "A"?

Also, very nice use of the word "literally," Ms. Hanly, but I think you're being pretty optimistic there. We both know that depraved minds could think of something even tackier and more tasteless.

On not asking where your Craigslist items have been

I'm not even totally sure this post needs commentary. There are some words that are just intrinsically gross. Sticky is one. Moist is another. Rancid, mucous, intestinal parasite, etc. It doesn't take an advertising degree to understand that you want people to have a positive feeling when they're looking at an ad for something to purchase.

But Craigslist attracts a special breed of person. People who can't take their ghetto parasols that barely work to a freaking thrift store like anyone else (who didn't just chuck them) would.

I'm currently looking for someone who's selling a rancid, moist towel covered in mucous-soaked intestinal parasites (for who could just give away such an obviously valuable treasure). It's out there, I know it is. I'll of course share it here when I find it!

Craigslist: Where the desperate flock

This posting on craigslist might be the most honest one i've read in years...and the most pathetic.

My microwave doesn't work anymore and since I am a guy and dont know how to cook there is a strong possibility I might starve to death. if you have a working microwave laying around that you could give I would greatly appreciate it. Also if anyone has a t-mobile phone that accepts simcards that would be great as well- don't need anything fancy- I broke the clasp that holds the Sim card in on mine and turns off automatically at the most inopportunie times.

I'm not sure which part I like best--the complete disregard for punctuation and capitalization, the desperation, or the fact that he admits that he can't cook due to the fact that he's a guy. Maybe it's the awesome and totally not offensive picture he attaches:

(If you can't see, it says "Please give me a microwave" on the bottom.)

I also love the fact that he doesn't stop with the microwave. Oh no. He continues to ask for a cell phone. "On the note of expensive electronics, if you happen to have an old cellular telly lying 'round, would you mind hooking a brother up?"

This guy has now become my new favorite person in the entire world.

Why it's useless to have a degree in journalism (Part 1)

Apparently to become contributing editor at a major national magazine, your resume should include the following items: am a world-renowned supermodel, appeared in a movie with a horrible rapper, and have repeatedly beaten various people with communication devices over the years.


From The Huffington Post:
What Naomi Campbell wants, she generally gets. The supermodel has a reputation for being one of the fashion world's most demanding icons.

So it is perhaps not surprising that such grit and worldwide fame has landed the Streatham-born model, 37, with a prize job at the men's magazine GQ - involving interviewing world leaders, fellow celebrity A-listers and global sporting stars. Or, for that matter, that Campbell's first scoop is a one-on-one audience with the controversial Venezuelan leader, Hugo Chavez.

In the interview, doubtless about to be dubbed "beauty meets the beast" by US Republicans, Mr Chavez pulls no punches with his glamorous counterpart who manages to get him to answer a wide range of questions with all the rhetoric that has made the Venezuelan President both loved and reviled in equal measure. From describing the President George Bush as "completely crazy" to the Cuban President Fidel Castro as "the most stylish world leader", Mr Chavez has handed Campbell a scoop for a magazine where she now acts as a "contributing editor".

Were you just scared of being assaulted? Because if that's it, GQ, we can get you help! You don't need to be afraid anymore!

New Medical Breakthrough: Remove Stupid Through Sweating!

I can tell you two things about this craptacular contraption:

1. It's completely ridiculous.

2. People have actually purchased it.

The brain trusts who wrote the following ad finally came to their senses and decided to sell their "sauna" on Craigslist:

We bought 4 of these, in the photo is our College Student enjoying melting the weight off!! You feel great, and this fits in any room PLUS will fold up into a 4'wide canvas/Cloth that it comes in! We just took out a lounge chair and put this in its place! Plus you feel GREAT! The unit has a timer, 5 temp settings. You simply put one of those chairs that fold out in it and WE BOUGHT THE Wide one so it's EASY to manuver in. Pictured is the wide one, but it's nice to not feel cramped. You feel the difference in the unit but it takes up no more room in the LR or Work out Room than a chair. Flods up, Opps we spilled wax on ours (In Photo) Tranports EASY! This is a great Christmas Present! WE bought 4, and paid $750 Each will sell STILL IN THE UNOPENED box for $500. The Infared heat, helps you sweat 600 Calories...bla, bla, bla. Forget the sales pitch... we love the other 3 we have, this was bought for our SON and he moved to San Diego! He walks outside for his SAUNA!, and (Forest Fires?) Enough for now see photos! You can see the zippers so you can drink, change TV Channels, and the pouch holds the Timer/Temp control!! Call now!


It flods up? Put me down for two! "Opps!" I think they should've asked their "College Student" to write this ad since they might have better grasp on grammar. I love the implication that being near a forest fire is just like relaxing in a sauna. I promise I did not get this from Engrish.com no matter how much it may seem like I did.

I don't get why you couldn't use these suits for that "Shit! It's so hot I feel like my flesh is melting" effect. You'd look markedly less stupid, plus you'd get to beat the crap out of your friends instead of sitting there trying to read a magazine while you sweat all over it. It's win-win.

Hava Nagila

President Bush has been in Israel this past week discussing plans for peace. While there, he tried out some of the customs.


(photo courtesy of msnbc)

We're not necessarily against the idea of Bush in a yarmulke, but boy are we laughing. Is it too tight? Pinching him, perhaps? He's got the face and posture of someone who couldn't be more uncomfortable.

Great. Now plans for our National Dreidal Game are totally on hold because someone bought him the wrong size yarmulke.

Indy and the Keys to the Emoticons

A week ago, Vanity Fair published an indepth look at the upcoming film "Indiana Jones and the Keys to the Kingdom." Like the rest of the population, we here at Eye Abuse are very excited about the film, and we were even more thrilled by the beautiful Annie Leibovitz photos. However, a dark cloud made its way over the magazine with this:

No one outside of the filmmakers will know for sure until May 22, but it would be pretty cool if it turns out that Emperor Palpatine had dropped a crystal skull on Earth. Or maybe one was left behind by the skinny dudes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Or maybe it’s, like, E.T.’s cell phone. :)

The Vanity Fair staff fooled us all into thinking they run a fine, upstanding magazine. One ridiculous emoticon later completely blew their cover. The magazine is actually run by my 12-year-old niece and her BFF. WTG, girls!

Yahoo! Answers: Stupidity's Mecca

Really? Shall we dig him up then? Ask him to brush off his dirt-covered burial suit and bastardize his own literary masterpiece?

How would that conversation even go?

"Cheerio, good sir! We were just wondering if you'd be kind enough to--"

"No."

"But I haven't even--"

"No."

"If I could just expl--"

"No."